actually

i like to reread past blog posts and journal entries and i have a tendency to do so when im bored or im struggling and in need of insight, whether it be about my life or just my emotional strength, so i think itd be wise if this time i create a message for the future version of myself. with these raw emotions im feeling i dont think id visit this particular blog anytime soon and i think thatd just make this better. anyway.. 

dear jackie

  • i hope you use your journal a lot more often now because as convenient as blogging is i dont think itd do you any good to remain to be such an open book
  • i also hope that you stay above the influence but mainly the influence of anything considered as drugs by society because thatd just disappoint me just as much as itd disappoint your parents
  • i hope you’ve taken more risks when it comes to ~love~ by now too
  • lastly, i just hope that you’ve been doing good and you are genuinely happy

999th post

just a few thoughts

  • a chapter of my life has just ended although abruptly and i cant help but think that these past few weeks have been the build up to it. it might not have ended the way i thought in fact it’s rather the opposite but all i can say is that im very glad it’s finally over. 
  • with that, i don’t feel like going on tumblr anymore; using this account anyway. it just makes me feel hella stuck in the mindset i had before and that’s the last thing i want right now. it’s like there’s a shackle on my foot and i just wanna get rid of it. besides i find my posts getting more and more personal each time and i dont think id be able to control that without abandoning the thought of going on tumblr altogether before i end up sharing when my menses come or something 
  • i just find it hella ‘funny’ for a lack of a better word how one day or rather one experience can change your life and alter your outlook on everything. it might not have been a fun one but i can say that with the direct exposure i had to my inner vulnerabilities i was able to get to know myself better and reach a complete 180 in terms of maturity. it sounds quite appealing on paper but i don’t think it’s something i want to put myself through ever again.
  • on the upside im ready to tackle the world, put the past behind me, and buy some curtains for my windows; though not necessarily in that order. 

bye tumblr

i used to confuse ‘like’ and ‘interest’ quite often but now that im older and i know more about myself i think this interest is actually beginning to turn into the most genuine ‘like’ that could ever exist in all the definitions of merriam webster

and it scares me especially with all the thoughts it brings to me specifically ones regarding his feelings and the possibility of them failing to reciprocate. the fact that there is another factor which is rather major to worry about makes everything better. darn it

but i like it too cause it seems like i havent felt this way in a long time, if ever. it livens up my senses and music that aren’t either ratchet or by one direction has suddenly become much much more pleasing to listen to. hahaha im such a late bloomer i bet this is typical to the average 5th grader nowadays

on another note, im kicking it with my twin monica later today. have a happy first day of may everyone

chillin at my lola’s house

(when im supposed to be at school, in a socratic seminar.. oooh thank God for ortho appointments)

you know you’re becoming a woman when your aunt offers you coffee lol